Speaking things into existence

I like to think I’m a very mellow person. Okay, so my mother thinks I’m too quick to temper, and coworkers think I’m hilariously blunt (or sometimes an oddball sitting quietly in her own world,) but I see myself as really chill.

It might have something to do with being diagnosed with hypertension at 27 (or 28, I can’t remember, and anyway it’s relatively under control now.) Or the emphasis on patience and focus from the karate lessons I took up as part of an attempt to exercise at least twice a week after the diagnosis. (Well okay, the actual story is I got into this entirely by accident. I went to find out about the lesson times and next thing I knew I was in karate. Lol.) And it’s not like I don’t have fears and concerns and anxiety, but I prefer to take things easy.

All of that is to say, that I’ve been thinking that I’m a little too chill. I want things. I have goals and dreams but I’m slow to tackle them. I want to speak them into existence.

Writing is the career that I want but never actually directly pushed for. I did a few writing courses as part of my undergrad degree but I didn’t even know if I could do an MFA and if I needed it and then I had never submitted to a writing contest to that point. But now? Four published short stories later, I want a Hugo and a Nebula and an Ignyte and a World Fantasy and a Bocas Award. I want an Edgar and an Agatha and a Bram Stoker and so many more. And not just awards. I want to see a story I wrote on the big screen in a film adaptation. A stage play would be lovely. I want to walk into a bookstore here and see my novels on the shelves and people reading them.

Writing this down took a lot of energy. I’m afraid to say these things. I know that awards aren’t everything. I want people to read my stories and love them and tell me about it because it delights my whole heart every time. I still smile at fanfiction reviews. And if I don’t get them, well, that’s okay. Life doesn’t always work out the way we want it to. But writing them down means I have to try to get them, so please bear with me.

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