Unreality of Life

February was not great. I wrote this last month but didn’t post it. I couldn’t. Then last night I had a dream. Dreams can be cruel after a loved one dies. Once you get used to it, they can pop up at any time as normal, as if they had never left, but when you wake up reality hits. Needless to say, I’ve been thinking of that WandaVision line a lot: “What is grief, if not love persevering?”

And so, the original post from February 10:

“When I was a child, I used to draw a lot. I never wrote stories, I would draw up characters, sometimes based on those from books I read or shows I watched, sometimes my own creations, and then I would cut them into paper toys and make up stories for them. People used to ask me if I was going to be a designer when I grew up because I loved to draw nice clothes for the characters too. Then one day when I was thirteen, my best friend at the time suggested I write down the story I was making up.

That first story, about a girl named Jewel Sundaye, took up a single copy book. There were illustrations and drama. I no longer have the book, but that first story spawned so many others. It’s definitely why I’m a writer today.

But back to my friend. We grew up, settled into different lives. Just over a year and a half ago she messaged me to invite me to her wedding. I was excited and nervous. We hadn’t spoken in a while. But it wasn’t the disaster I thought it would be. We had been best friends and it was almost as if we had never been apart, even though we obviously were. And then we drifted apart again.

Last night, I had to look through the messages we exchanged to find the address of the church she got married in so that I could find it for her funeral. My friend died. Not from anything sinister. She got sick and she passed away. It didn’t feel real. I actually asked the mutual friend who told me “gone where” when he told me she had “gone”. I don’t think it hit me until today, standing in the church, looking at her in her pretty wedding dress.

I can’t really remember us meeting. We were in the same class and then we were best friends. We went through awkward teenage stages together. She was much better at navigating life than I. It warmed my heart so much to hear so many people talk about what a wonderful, kind and inspiring person she was. She is/was loved and she is/will be missed. I’m glad that I knew her.

It doesn’t feel real, even though it is. I wish we had spoken more but that’s just not how it worked out.”

That is as much as I could write at the time. I don’t really have anything else to add. Last month was not good for me personally so I hope this month will be better.

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